The ground caved in under me almost instantly - in a day or two things began to happen so fast I was certain God had only been waiting for me to say the word for Him to swing into action, and now I am in the aftermath of the rubble.
But I have never felt so elated as I feel right now, so alive. There is a sharpening of my vision.
Was I cooperating with God all the way? Nope!
If anything I had held on so tightly to my illusions I got burn marks on my hands. I refused to admit I had spent the better part of six months chasing a lie.
Like God could be mocked! He was not about to have me drag His name saying 'spiritual' things like "God said he was the one" when I had left simple common sense alone and He had definitely said nothing of the sort.
I was the one screaming and reeking, "Need, Need" and "Desperation, Desperation" for whatever sad reasons. Kicking and dragging, screaming and yelling, my heart seeking God's Will and my emotions pleading He endorse my foolishness, God got down to business. I had voiced what He needed to hear.
I look at the rubble in the aftermath of His intervention and I am glad. Why? Because He took nothing out of my hand He did not replace- questions with answers, lies with truth and most of all, the relationship with a renewed sense of responsibility.
I wish I could say, ".. the relationship (replaced) with my identity" but that would not be completely true. "...With a sense of responsibility for discovering who I am" would be more like it.
"Discovering who I am? At thirty five?" Lol! I wish I could say "No, that's not the case." But really, it is. And when I look back, that question - "Discovering who I am? At twenty? At twenty five? At thirty? ..." were probably the reasons I side stepped that responsibility for this long.
So... to avoid having to ask, "Discovering who I am?" At forty five?" I will set out on that journey now.
Why do I have to? So for one, I can know who I am, what I stand for and where I am headed. So for two, reason number one can help in making the right choices not just in relationships but in life. So, for three, I can live a richer, fuller and more purposeful life.
Does everyone else apart from me know who they are, even at seventy? No. Does everyone know that they do not know who they are? No. So mighty glad I am and thankful to God that even at thirty five I can finally say, I want to know who Esther is.
You might decide to join me. You might decide to oppose me. You might decide to criticise. You might decide to encourage. You might decide to ignore. You might decide to be indifferent. You might decide to use this opportunity to ask yourself some very salient questions at eighty. You might conclude you know yourself right well, at twenty. Your choice and position is yours, really.
I must say, thus far, it's not been easy. I have had to face painful truths. Still yet, it's been worth it. (Hebrews 12:11) There's a peace that comes from seeing your ugliness because now you know you can clean it up and who knows, discover diamonds lying just beneath.
There's a peace that comes from accepting you've been living a lie because now you know you can live the truth, your truth; from accepting that you have been making the wrong choices because now you know you can now unlearn whatever has wired you up so wrong, learn what you need to and start making the right choices- live life not just right but to the hilt. There's a peace that comes from accepting that all your romantic relationships have been wrong because now you can ask why, find answers and grow - put an end to nightmares that have gone on for too long.
So, what do I have to say now? By His Grace, the best of my life lies ahead of me in Christ Jesus. And discovering who I am now, that treasure now is "Better late, than never."
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