I was feeling
terrible. I had failed God so many times. I was sure it was over. It was easier
to just stay down but for some reason He would not let me rest down there. I
kept getting a nudge in my spirit- ‘Make amends. Ask forgiveness. Make peace.’
Not again I kept saying. ‘God no dey tire? Abeg, me I don tire.’ It was easier
to rest on the ground than keep rising and falling. I had fallen again and this
time it seemed I had no energy to get back up. Any will I might have had had
neatly been buried under tonnes of guilt that wouldn’t let my conscience rest.
Of course, I
had gone through the phase of rebellion before I fell neatly into the enemy’s set-up.
I had gone through the phase where I blamed God and figured since He wouldn’t give
me what I needed despite seeing my obvious ‘dying’ without it, then it was up
to me to take care of myself. It was not the first time, but I guess the devil
has innovations of the same thing.
I took
matters into my own hands once again, falling into the same old pit, the same ‘ol’way’,
with my eyes closed.
Of course,
when the threats, loss, muck and mire came calling, I was helpless. Satan had a
field day.
God wouldn’t
let up, though. Of course, the fact that I had been in that same old pit before
should have made climbing out easier- the terrain definitely stank familiar,
but God was the only One who helped me make it out.
It seemed I
was going under. ‘He would never forgive this time’, I thought- yet, He made me
ask for forgiveness. ‘He would never save this time’- yet He made me ask to be
saved. ‘He would not help this time’- yet, He made me ask to be helped… And forgive
he did, Save He did and Help he most resoundingly did. Driving home the point
that His Reason is beyond us humans. Definitely, He sees and gets something that
we cannot, that is beyond us to grasp or comprehend without Him
He leads me
and I go into prayers. His Forgiveness astounds me, takes the ground neat off
from beneath me but I take it anyway. It does not make sense to me but it makes
me want to do more.
I remember a
dear friend telling me once (I am convinced under the leading of the Spirit)
that I am too intellectual. Trusting too much in my own intelligence, when the
Word of God does not make sense to me like when it lets me off the hook
seemingly ‘so easy’’, I am inclined to flay myself and tell God He isn’t doing
a good job of condemning me so I ‘help’ Him. Yeah, there was that.
This time
though, I had the devil to thank for my bowed head and the accusations that
flew so speedily though my mind and would not allow me take God’s Forgiveness.
I took them all to God. He answered me.
Here I am
reading the Book of Jeremiah and in my heart I am brought to my knees. Jeremiah
36:1-3 talks of God telling Jeremiah to write down all the words He had spoken
against Israel and Judah from the beginning till that date, from the day He had
spoken to Jeremiah in the days of Josiah even till that very day –‘unto this
day’. Why?
Verse 3 made
it clear that ‘it may be that the house of Judah will hear all the evil which I
(God) purpose to do unto them; that they may return every man from his evil way;
that I may forgive their iniquity and their sin’
Striking! I
had spent the last few previous Chapters quaking at the strong words and harsh
judgments pending over the heads of God’s people. Striking too was the fact
that the message that echoed through these Chapters was of the reprieve and
sure mercy that will follow the judgments already passed against the nation.
Now I get to
36 and I find that with all the reprieve God had been so careful to give for
the judgments He had passed against His people, He was still giving them a way
out of getting that judgment altogether!
And the Word
came- God is not looking for who to judge. He is ready to receive as many as
are ready to repent. He doesn’t care how many times you have repented. He doesn’t
care how many times you have fallen. As far as you are repenting genuinely now!
As far as you are turning away from your sins now! You are making a 180 NOW-
AND MEAN IT!... And He knows when you mean it. You can’t fool Him! (Gal. 6:7)
I make up my
mind to make it; to make it up to Him; to not fall again. Thus far it seemed I
was waiting for some approval of some sort. For some go ahead from some human. I
mean why should I move on after disappointing so many people even if they do
not even know I fell? Why should I move on? I wanted the permission of the
human species to move on. To have them tell me they had forgiven me. I realized
it might never come. But it HAS come from the One Person, The One Being that truly
matters the most- It has come from God.
So, I hear
it clearly
‘Forget it
and move on, Biola… Because God said so….’
